Thursday, August 24, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
That's Ms. Kruse to you
I just got married and even though I tried to make it clear every chance I could that I'm keeping my name, we still received a lot of cards addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Slager" or "Melissa Slager" or my personal favorite, "Mrs. Derek Slager" -- each one a tiny dagger in my dignity.
Maybe it wasn't a good sign of things to come when a "bridal name change kit" from some random mortgage company showed up in my mailbox along with the cornucopia of wedding junk mail I received over the last six months. I was so shocked. I debated writing the company.
Am I the only person that doesn't automatically assume all women change their names upon getting married? Is it the year 2006? Do I live in a blue state? Just double-checking that I'm not taking crazy pills.
The thing is, it wasn't just the older wedding guests bringing the "Mrs. Slager" pain, it was gals my own age. We're they just trying to ruffle me with a friendly jab? Well, no. Some of them don't know me well enough to try that.
Of my girlfriends that are married none of them have kept their names. I must be honest, I was more than a little disappointed each time it happened. Of each friend I thought, well she'll at least hyphenate. Nope, hasn't happened so far. Not that I even buy into hyphenating. Unless the groom also hyphenates, it's basically the same as taking his name because you're still aligning yourself with the double standard that the bride's identity alone has to be altered. In fact, I have only one friend who is keeping her name.
My pal Thea is the only friend who shares my feelings on this topic. Her nuptials are in November.
When I was single and didn't yet understand the intensity of spousal love, I figured maybe these gals just love their husbands so much they want to take their names. Or, maybe they just don't want to offend them? Perhaps they never liked their last names or resent their families and wish to distance themselves from them.
Like having kids, the idea of changing my name has never crossed my mind. I'm honestly not trying to be obtuse. I'm being honest ... I don't ever remember thinking about what my "new name" might sound like or doodling Mrs. such and such in notebooks during 8th grade integer lessons.
When I met Derek and knew he was the one it still didn't cross my mind to change my name. I can't imagine loving someone more, but I would never change my name because of it. To him, it makes no difference. So, I wonder how other guys feel on this topic.
I'm not super close to most of my family and I don't particularly enjoy the German association of "Kruse" (German pronunciation: "kroozee") since I'm only half German and identify most with my French roots (also half). Still, I'm proud of the name put at the top of every paper, poem, newspaper article or homework assignment I've written or award I've received. I'm proud of the sleek symmetry of the 5 curvy letters that belong to me. The Kruses I've known have been obsessive compulsive, frugal, petite, hardworking, bad tempered, emotionally distant and precise. But for better or worse, it's still me. And I want everyone to know where I come from upon a glance at my name.
Besides this, it seems like it would take forever to get used to having a new last name. Your last name is a huge part of your identity. If you change my last name you might as well burn off my fingerprints and rearrange my genetic code while you're at it.
A lot of people ask, what about the kids? To that, I say having kids isn't a good enough reason to wipe out your identity. What better way of defining theirs than by giving them 2 names? I do find it refreshing when people give their child the middle name of the mother's maiden name. They could also use the father's last name as their middle name and the mother's for their last name and alternate that practice for each kid! Again, it shows where you come from and it just sounds a lot cooler than all the regular middle names people choose.
I don't expect anyone to listen me. But I would appreciate it if people approached brides and newlyweds with a more open mind. As with any etiquette situation you'll find it's best to err on the side of not assuming anything.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Bus etiquette
I'm on the bus. The temperature is hovering right around 2000 degrees. At 5 PM en route from Microsoft I understand the seating convention is not meant to be more comfortable than sardine packaging, but as more and more bespectacled blue-badges file off wearing what their wives found on clearance at JC Penney, many seats begin to open up. About three-fourths through the route, a man with a laptop boards and sits right next to me, passing up about 19 empty seats.
A few moments later someone else pulls the cord, and my seat partner thinks it's me. He asks if I need to get off. I say no, but pretty soon. He goes back to filling in cells on his Excel sheet. I think that our little exchange would be a perfect time for him look around and just move to another seat so I'm free to leave when my time comes. But no. I'm still stuck against the wall. Literally sticking to my seat and feeling unable to breathe, like I'm wearing a poorly ventilated fire fighter's oxygen mask.
Lack of respect for others personal space is probably my top complaint about bus transportation. Here are other top etiquette pointers to remember when riding the bus:
8. Don't read my book, it's MINE. This happens to me sometimes. I'm happily reading my Henry VIII historical documentary and the guy (it's always a guy; see #4 ) next to me is obviously reading my book. I know this because everytime I turn a page he looks back at my book, which means he's a faster reader than me. I can see him peering at my book out of the corner of my eye. This is rude and wierd.
7. Do get up quickly for elderly/handicapped riders. Nothing is worse than those who have to be asked by the driver to make room for someone in a mobilized vehicle or an old lady with 12 bags who is melting right in front of you. We are all embarrassed when you have to be asked to move. However, I'm always impressed with the handful of passengers who instantly spring into action when a mobilized vehicle riding passenger is lifted onto the bus. They immediately lower the seat and start buckling the person's vehicle in place. The first time I saw this done I thought this was a special person who rode the bus just for situations like this, to help the handicapped. Turns out he's just a nice guy. Good job.
6. Don't rest your head against the window. There's this guy with a shaved head on my bus who always sleeps on the route. He rests his grimy head against the window and leaves it looking like someone just smeared a heaping tablespoon of Crisco on the glass. Disgusting. Until that window can be cleaned, other passengers will be forced to sit next to (or god forbid accidently touch) that idiot's festival of pain. Soap is cheap; get some.
5. Don't talk the driver's ear off if you're crazy. I often see crazy people sitting right up by the driver. I know they're crazy because they're wearing pants they made themselves out of flag-print material they bought at a Joann Fabrics liquidation sale. They're always chatting away about the their thoughts on the war, God, tomatoe prices or handing something out. The driver has to drive and make sure I get where I need to go. It's not his/her fault that you are crazy. Plus, I don't want to hear you going on and on, sounding so, so crazy.
4. Stay inside the confines of your seat. I don't know you; I'm pretty sure I don't like you so don't graze my leg or arm with your own. I've noticed that if you sit beside a woman she is physically appologetic about being there, she moves closer to the window to make room for you, shrinking herself as much as possible or even saying "sorry" if she accidently touches you. Men, on the other hand sprawl...legs wide apart, arms wherever they are comfortable, and no qualms about crossing the edge of their seat into yours. Please be conscious of yourself. This is not your living room sofa. Plus, chances are pretty good that you smell.
3. Don't smell. I've priced soap and deoderant at 5 local stores. You can afford both for about $2.50. Also, don't have chronic bad breath. Some people have disgusting breath even if they've not eatten anything assaulting. Even if they keep their mouth closed you can smell it and it's horrible. I know there are remedies out there. Find them so people can stop hating you.
2. Don't fall asleep on the bus, especially if you're in the aisle seat with someone trapped by the window. This poses a troublesome dillemma for me. I really I want to see you miss your stop because you're snoozing and drooling much too close to me, but I have to GET OUT and that involves shouting at you, or worse, touching you (shudder). Obviously I can't just squeeze out past you because you always certainly weigh 350 pounds. FYI, by sleeping you're saying " I don't care that you exist, window seat passenger and that you have to get out. My life is so dull it puts me to sleep on the way to it."
1. Give people their space. If there are 19 (or so) free seats open, don't sit right beside the only person on the bus, especially when they are in the window seat.
A few moments later someone else pulls the cord, and my seat partner thinks it's me. He asks if I need to get off. I say no, but pretty soon. He goes back to filling in cells on his Excel sheet. I think that our little exchange would be a perfect time for him look around and just move to another seat so I'm free to leave when my time comes. But no. I'm still stuck against the wall. Literally sticking to my seat and feeling unable to breathe, like I'm wearing a poorly ventilated fire fighter's oxygen mask.
Lack of respect for others personal space is probably my top complaint about bus transportation. Here are other top etiquette pointers to remember when riding the bus:
8. Don't read my book, it's MINE. This happens to me sometimes. I'm happily reading my Henry VIII historical documentary and the guy (it's always a guy; see #4 ) next to me is obviously reading my book. I know this because everytime I turn a page he looks back at my book, which means he's a faster reader than me. I can see him peering at my book out of the corner of my eye. This is rude and wierd.
7. Do get up quickly for elderly/handicapped riders. Nothing is worse than those who have to be asked by the driver to make room for someone in a mobilized vehicle or an old lady with 12 bags who is melting right in front of you. We are all embarrassed when you have to be asked to move. However, I'm always impressed with the handful of passengers who instantly spring into action when a mobilized vehicle riding passenger is lifted onto the bus. They immediately lower the seat and start buckling the person's vehicle in place. The first time I saw this done I thought this was a special person who rode the bus just for situations like this, to help the handicapped. Turns out he's just a nice guy. Good job.
6. Don't rest your head against the window. There's this guy with a shaved head on my bus who always sleeps on the route. He rests his grimy head against the window and leaves it looking like someone just smeared a heaping tablespoon of Crisco on the glass. Disgusting. Until that window can be cleaned, other passengers will be forced to sit next to (or god forbid accidently touch) that idiot's festival of pain. Soap is cheap; get some.
5. Don't talk the driver's ear off if you're crazy. I often see crazy people sitting right up by the driver. I know they're crazy because they're wearing pants they made themselves out of flag-print material they bought at a Joann Fabrics liquidation sale. They're always chatting away about the their thoughts on the war, God, tomatoe prices or handing something out. The driver has to drive and make sure I get where I need to go. It's not his/her fault that you are crazy. Plus, I don't want to hear you going on and on, sounding so, so crazy.
4. Stay inside the confines of your seat. I don't know you; I'm pretty sure I don't like you so don't graze my leg or arm with your own. I've noticed that if you sit beside a woman she is physically appologetic about being there, she moves closer to the window to make room for you, shrinking herself as much as possible or even saying "sorry" if she accidently touches you. Men, on the other hand sprawl...legs wide apart, arms wherever they are comfortable, and no qualms about crossing the edge of their seat into yours. Please be conscious of yourself. This is not your living room sofa. Plus, chances are pretty good that you smell.
3. Don't smell. I've priced soap and deoderant at 5 local stores. You can afford both for about $2.50. Also, don't have chronic bad breath. Some people have disgusting breath even if they've not eatten anything assaulting. Even if they keep their mouth closed you can smell it and it's horrible. I know there are remedies out there. Find them so people can stop hating you.
2. Don't fall asleep on the bus, especially if you're in the aisle seat with someone trapped by the window. This poses a troublesome dillemma for me. I really I want to see you miss your stop because you're snoozing and drooling much too close to me, but I have to GET OUT and that involves shouting at you, or worse, touching you (shudder). Obviously I can't just squeeze out past you because you always certainly weigh 350 pounds. FYI, by sleeping you're saying " I don't care that you exist, window seat passenger and that you have to get out. My life is so dull it puts me to sleep on the way to it."
1. Give people their space. If there are 19 (or so) free seats open, don't sit right beside the only person on the bus, especially when they are in the window seat.
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