My Dutch Chocolate

Being fabulous at Marcus' Martini Heaven

That's Ms. Kruse to you

I just got married and even though I tried to make it clear every chance I could that I'm keeping my name, we still received a lot of cards addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Slager" or "Melissa Slager" or my personal favorite, "Mrs. Derek Slager" -- each one a tiny dagger in my dignity.

Maybe it wasn't a good sign of things to come when a "bridal name change kit" from some random mortgage company showed up in my mailbox along with the cornucopia of wedding junk mail I received over the last six months. I was so shocked. I debated writing the company.

Am I the only person that doesn't automatically assume all women change their names upon getting married? Is it the year 2006? Do I live in a blue state? Just double-checking that I'm not taking crazy pills.

The thing is, it wasn't just the older wedding guests bringing the "Mrs. Slager" pain, it was gals my own age. We're they just trying to ruffle me with a friendly jab? Well, no. Some of them don't know me well enough to try that.

Of my girlfriends that are married none of them have kept their names. I must be honest, I was more than a little disappointed each time it happened. Of each friend I thought, well she'll at least hyphenate. Nope, hasn't happened so far. Not that I even buy into hyphenating. Unless the groom also hyphenates, it's basically the same as taking his name because you're still aligning yourself with the double standard that the bride's identity alone has to be altered. In fact, I have only one friend who is keeping her name.

My pal Thea is the only friend who shares my feelings on this topic. Her nuptials are in November.

When I was single and didn't yet understand the intensity of spousal love, I figured maybe these gals just love their husbands so much they want to take their names. Or, maybe they just don't want to offend them? Perhaps they never liked their last names or resent their families and wish to distance themselves from them.

Like having kids, the idea of changing my name has never crossed my mind. I'm honestly not trying to be obtuse. I'm being honest ... I don't ever remember thinking about what my "new name" might sound like or doodling Mrs. such and such in notebooks during 8th grade integer lessons.

When I met Derek and knew he was the one it still didn't cross my mind to change my name. I can't imagine loving someone more, but I would never change my name because of it. To him, it makes no difference. So, I wonder how other guys feel on this topic.

I'm not super close to most of my family and I don't particularly enjoy the German association of "Kruse" (German pronunciation: "kroozee") since I'm only half German and identify most with my French roots (also half). Still, I'm proud of the name put at the top of every paper, poem, newspaper article or homework assignment I've written or award I've received. I'm proud of the sleek symmetry of the 5 curvy letters that belong to me. The Kruses I've known have been obsessive compulsive, frugal, petite, hardworking, bad tempered, emotionally distant and precise. But for better or worse, it's still me. And I want everyone to know where I come from upon a glance at my name.

Besides this, it seems like it would take forever to get used to having a new last name. Your last name is a huge part of your identity. If you change my last name you might as well burn off my fingerprints and rearrange my genetic code while you're at it.

A lot of people ask, what about the kids? To that, I say having kids isn't a good enough reason to wipe out your identity. What better way of defining theirs than by giving them 2 names? I do find it refreshing when people give their child the middle name of the mother's maiden name. They could also use the father's last name as their middle name and the mother's for their last name and alternate that practice for each kid! Again, it shows where you come from and it just sounds a lot cooler than all the regular middle names people choose.

I don't expect anyone to listen me. But I would appreciate it if people approached brides and newlyweds with a more open mind. As with any etiquette situation you'll find it's best to err on the side of not assuming anything.